Hi my name is Brennen and I am addicted to anger… [insert Hi, Brennen].
I have been addicted to anger for as long as I can remember. Since I was young, anger was my go-to emotion and my instant response to anything. I didn’t allow myself to display or feel because it was the only emotion I knew how to express.
The way to express anger was to fight, show aggression, yell, scream ad even cry. My anger would swell up inside of me to the point where I would cry uncontrollably and even that would make me angry. Projecting my pain or frustration on someone else was easy.
If I was angry, I fought. If I was sad, I fought. If I was having a good day, I was down to fight. If I was having a bad day, I probably started the fight. And I was good at fighting. I enjoyed it. I often would laugh while fighting. It was a seldonmly experienced place of joy.
That was me for 27 years of my life. The result of my anger was devastating. That anger pushed people away from me, never allowed anyone to really get to know me, caused people to misunderstand my actions and intentions, forced me to be a loner, caused physical harm to myself and even made me a cancer to people around me, etc. It was a prison that I had become completely comfortable in because I learned to hide it very well. I could smile and have so some good laughs but underneath I was burning up with rage.
Dec of 2015 I was faced with a situation that caused me to realize my anger was going to destroy me if I didn’t seek help. For the second time in my life I want to kill someone and had no remorse about the thought. I was actually happy they would be dead. But my anger didn’t stop there. I wanted to pain on their children and other loved ones. These thoughts scared me and it was at that moment I realized I was addicted to anger and it was killing me.
I started this journey of recovery in mid Dec of 2015 and Im happy to say that I have not gone off, yelled or been physically aggressive with anyone in 2 weeks (God is still working on me lol). I have been angry but I haven’t projected that anger else where. I have taken the time to process the anger and understand it. This literally is the fight of my life and I appreciate the prayers and good vibes coming this way. Again my name is Brennen and Im addicted to anger. Thanks for letting me share.